I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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