sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
