he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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