forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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