East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
