I cannot find my penis.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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