All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
