Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
