You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
