it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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