I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Go christen that room with your naked body.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
