I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
