Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he told me I talked like a deaf person
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
