Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize