I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
