i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
