u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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