I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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