Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I believe in your delicious
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
