Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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