You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
i believe in u and ur pee
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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