Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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