Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
