it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
