Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
