She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
