he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
