someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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