I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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