We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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