maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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