haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
