bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
