Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
