nut hugger
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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