I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
