You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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