it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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