I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
