I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize