the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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