I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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