She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
