Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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