Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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