You just made me feel so damn special
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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