Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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