...so i touched it.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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