his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
