Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
