the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize