Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Semen is not good for contacts.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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