i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
