I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
