I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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